Parental Anxiety: Nicole Bateman chats with Sarah Fish

In this episode of "Conversations with a SEND Mum," host Nicole Bateman engages in a heartfelt conversation with Sarah Fish, delving into the parental anxiety and the importance of supporting fellow parent/carers in the SEND community.

Episode Highlights:

• Parental Anxiety: Sarah shares her journey navigating the often overwhelming landscape of parental anxiety while caring for a child with special educational needs and disabilities. They discuss the triggers and coping mechanisms for managing anxiety amidst the challenges.
• Supporting Fellow Parent/Carers: The conversation shifts to the vital role of community and support networks in the SEND community. Sarah shares her experiences and initiatives aimed at offering practical and emotional support to fellow parent/carers, fostering a sense of solidarity and understanding.
• Coping Strategies: Both Nicole and Sarah explore effective coping strategies for managing parental anxiety, including mindfulness techniques, self-care practices, and seeking professional support when needed. They emphasise the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being.

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Conversations with a Send Mum with me, Nicole Bateman, your host. This podcast is sponsored by the Supersensory Squad who support young people in understanding the sensory systems and emotional regulation using their eight amazing penguins. Today I am joined by Sarah Fish from Focus Coaching and Hypnotherapy and she is a Send Mum herself. So, welcome Sarah. Thank you. So first of all, can you just tell us a little bit about you and your connection to the Send Community? So I am a send mum I have a son with autism and a DD which we've known about officially for the past seven years. But he's an adult now. He's 18 now. And I did have a very busy. job and career as a manager in, in, in the NHS that ended but in a way I'm glad that it did because it meant that I've been able to put the kids first and set up my own business on the side to support that. Thank you. And I know there's connection there with your story and your anxiety. So would you, would you care to share with us? Yeah, so I. I didn't know till I was 41 that I'd suffered with anxiety all my life. I, everyone called me where I come from, they say a worriter, which is a worrier. That's what they say in, in Stoke on Trent. So I, my mum was a worrier. I was a worrier. I just thought that everybody was like that. And I thought everybody felt sick and was sometimes physically sick before events. And, you know, even though you're really excited and you really want to go somewhere, for some reason you get poorly. Not knowing that that was actually anxiety and I've had a lot of trouble all my life With sleep as well, which obviously hasn't helped things. It makes it worse And so in my in my career, I ended up in a very Pressured job. I did lots of things to keep my Anxiety, as I know it now, at bay. But ultimately, it, it just came all crashing down because the place I worked was very toxic. And so, I then discovered When I went off sick, that I had anxiety through discussions with the doctor. And the medication that I was put on at the time as well. So, throwing that into the mix with, you know, then diagnosis of your son and everything like that. How did that, did that impact your anxiety at all? How were you? I think that, I think that when you have somebody else to focus on. Which you do when you've got a child with special needs. You put, you're so busy pouring all of your energy into them and making sure they're okay, that you just park everything about yourself to the side. And, and you know what? I might have not wanted to do things for myself. But I would always do them for him. I would always, you know, and I think that's the thing, it's like you, it's like you throw that aside because you know how important it is for them, for you to be their rock. And I think that you, you don't realize how much tension you're holding in your body and how much you're sort of pushing your feelings away. And I do remember About two years after his diagnosis, when we were getting the support we needed from the school, and he seemed to be happy. I remember running his bath and bursting into tears with relief, because I'd had so many years of nobody believing me, which is hard enough as it is, and I'm sure lots of other people go through this and are going through this. But then to have a diagnosis and no help And just, there you go, there's a label. You know, and all that the psychiatrist wanted to do was throw medication at him and we didn't want that. It just felt like such a lonely place to be. And I think that then, when the relief comes that you've reached an okay place now, where you actually feel like life is relatively normal, because you've learned a lot about it, then you start to realise just how much it's really been affecting your mental health. And And then, when you start to go through difficult times again, forgetting how hard it was. But the difficult times are going to come and we're going through it now, with him being 18. You know, it's going to keep happening but it's about having lots of strategies and tools to be able to put yourself first, so you can be their rock, basically. Yeah, yeah, definitely, and I think us as mums often put ourselves Last in, in things and focus. I mean, I, I had those relief tears just in, in September and it was floods of relief tears when we were in mediation for an EHCP and they said they would overturn the, the no decision at that point. No, we haven't, we're still in the EHCP process, unfortunately, but that, that was overturning the no to assess to a yes to assess but it was. Then I realized how much over summer, over those 10, 12 weeks since the decision of a no to then, how much it had been impacting me. I was dizzy, the physical things from the worry and the fight and my nervous system just not being, you know, it was on high alert. I was in fight mode with the council and Then you're like, Oh, and I just cried in front of this person on zoom who hadn't met yet. And she said, I'm, I'm, yeah, I, I agree with you. I'm overturning the decision. I was like, what? You actually, you believe me. And it's that relief of like, Oh, wow. And then you realize, so yeah, I resonate with that when you said that, because that, that was, that was the experience in September for me. And you can't really control when it's going to happen, you know. It's just, it's just, you just think, why am I crying? Like, I mean, obviously you knew from that. But I was literally just running a bath, and all of a sudden, crying my eyes out. For apparently no reason, until I realised that I'd got to this point. point where I thought everybody seems to be happy. And I think that's the hard part is that when you've got children with special needs have difficulties and they go through phases of being very anxious and very depressed. And so you're trying to be happy for them but you might be going through that yourself and you're almost you're almost, you're just trying to keep them alive. I don't know how else to say it. But, but that, that's People not believe in you. It's amazing how hard. That is, isn't it? And even in the beginning, I don't know how it happened for you, but for me, I noticed first. Yeah, me too. And getting your husband, getting your, your family to believe you and they're going, No, he's just a bit, you know, just a bit quirky and, and you're like, yeah, but why is he strong? Why is he sitting like this with his hands on his ears whenever we go somewhere that's a bit loud? And all those little things like that. And it is an ongoing battle, especially when people meet your child in a place where they are happy, they're okay, they appear to be okay. And so, on the outside, everyone goes Well, clearly it doesn't really affect them, does it? Yeah. You know it does, because that bottle of pop syndrome happens, where everything might, they might be holding it all in all day until they come home to you, their safe space, and let it all out. Yeah, absolutely, and that's a pattern speaking to a number of different send mums over this season, you know, is that affect that, that, whether it's after school restraint collapse or, you know, things like that, where that, that masking and then the sudden coke shaking out, getting it all out, and everything like that. So it's, you're not alone. If you're experiencing that and you're listening, you know, there are many others that have been through that. Yeah. And it's also hard as well to get a diagnosis. If they are be, if they are masking so much at school. to fit in, then the school will just say, well, no, we have no issues. And especially if you have a child that is on, on the side of, of what they used to call high functioning autism that, might be ahead of their peers but is struggling with the sensory side of things. It's like you're, they think you're a crazy lady, I don't know how else to put it. They just think, oh, this woman is just, she's just a complete helicopter parent that's just making all these things up. And it's always the mums, isn't it? Yeah. That tend to do the, the battling, you know. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We, we, well I brought in the reinforcements for one meeting for, with my husband. But but apart from that it is, and you've, you've got to just. It'd be constantly just being that I suppose what some people would call it a pushy parent But I do it in a very nice way and I we have I have a really good relationship with the school fortunately And they're great But you do have to keep on top of everything and that load that mental load can be a lot It's huge. And then when you think about I mean at the time I was battling I was in in a A supervisory type role and so I was, I would drop the kids off at school and the walk from the school to my work or to the car was my phone call to say to the school, this is what needs to change and then as soon as I got off the phone, I'm stepping straight into work and getting on with my job. There was no decompression. No time to decompress in between. And that's, that's hard. So if anyone's listening who you know, is feeling quite anxious right now, who is, you know, it's not got that decompression time or not much time to, to to regulate and things like that. What, what are some tips that you would share with them? I think it's, it's very hard to get time to yourself, I know that, especially if you're a single parent. But if there's any way at all, if you do work and the kids are at school, just see if you can book an hour or two off and leave early and just have a little bit of time to yourself. Even half an hour feels like Such a relief, because you just have this time, and when I say time to yourself, I don't mean time to clean. You know, and do the shopping. I mean, to sit, read a book, or listen to the radio, or watch some comedy on YouTube. Whatever that makes you feel back to yourself again, and I think that's the key is, we forget as mothers who we are. We forget who we were before, because we've become this, this mother, this role. That we play. And it's about remembering, well what did I used to really enjoy that made me feel good about myself? And how can I just fit little bits of that into my life? Even if it's ten minutes, or five minutes, what can I do that I used to do? So, you might be someone that likes gardening, but you haven't really got time for gardening. But it might be that you can just Google some plants and start to think about what you might want where or some things for your house. Or just a little, or a book about plants or something. It's about finding the way you can cut it down into very small snippets and then find those snippets of time. Throughout your week and choose to do something for you. Not for anybody else. Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing So Sarah, what is something that you like? What's what's something you find fun? So I've actually got a little list of me off the back of that. I created a list of things So I like reading. I love reading. I like doing a jigsaw puzzle And the kids like doing that with me, so that's something we can actually do together. But I also like watching comedy. So what I used to do is, if I had, if I like left work five minutes early, or arrived five minutes early, I would sit in the car and just find on YouTube one of my favourite comedians and just Watch it for five minutes, you know, so it's getting me in this just laughing mood taking your thoughts away from Work and all the pressures of being a mum and just laughing, you know So I so I I do still do that quite a lot and watch watch comedy clips And I also go to a class now And I think that's important if you've got a partner and you can try and find things to do Away from the house. I actually go to a carnival drumming class. Oh, that sounds fun. Though I get to beat drums. Yeah. Get to beat drums. Let it all out. And and have lots of fun as well. Yeah. So, yeah. That's the kind of stuff I love. Excellent. That sounds like a great release. Whacking the drums. And everything like that. And if you're, and if you're listening, when, when Sarah said whacking the drums, both me and her were whacking up, pretending to whack some drums, for those of you. I'm going tonight actually, I'm looking forward to it. Excellent. That's good. Because yeah, we've got to have some of our fun. fun. Something for me is musicals. I love musicals. And when you, yeah, when you listen to them and when you're at that show for like an hour and a half or whatever it is, you're full on enveloped in that show and in that music. And you can't really think about. Anything else. Yeah, and it's uplifting, isn't it? Yeah, you know, yeah, so that's lovely. Yeah, it's good I'm looking forward to many more of those in 2024. That's my it's on my list of you know, I need to go Yeah, and that's the thing, then you have things to look forward to as well, don't you? Exactly. Exactly. It's very important. So can you share with me and everyone listening, you know, something that you, you would say to, to encourage the SEND parents listening and kind of inspire them as they go forward in their week? I think one of the biggest things for me. Has been to surrender to what is and that's hard Because you might not want things to be the way that they are But to just go okay, and I think you have to have a little bit of it I do this every morning now So I think it's it's good when you wake up to not grab your phone I mean you might have to deal with kids straight away anyway, but to To sit there, or while you're brushing your teeth, go right, Who am I? What is my role? Where are we right now? And appreciate where you are at, because it might be that yesterday both the kids were happy, or your kids were happy, and or there wasn't as much resistance to do certain things, or they went to bed okay, and it's just about Appreciating the good stuff, but choosing to do it every morning because the more you start the day like that, the more the day continues feeling like that and you feel better about whatever gets thrown at you. Yeah, I love that. That's a really great start to the day. So thank you for sharing that with us. So if people want to connect with you, where's the best place to find you, Sarah? Ooh, I'm all over the place. I'm on I'm on Instagram. Focus underscore Sarah Fish. I'm on Facebook, Focus Coaching and Hypnotherapy. You can find me on LinkedIn, Sarah Fish. And I have a Facebook group that's called Beat Overwhelm, Find Calm. So that's just for, I did it really for anybody with anxiety. I started down the route of anxiety. Just because of, of Where I've come from. And so I do meditations in there. I do a little bit of group coaching to help people Maybe figure out what they want moving forwards And just share some some nice posts really just for support And tips, obviously. Yeah Excellent. Thank you very much for coming on and talking to me. You're welcome. It's nice to meet you Yeah, and remember that each Wednesday a new episode will drop in this podcast and thank you so much for listening. If you want to connect further connect on conversations with a Send Mum on Instagram or join our Patreon community conversations with a Send Mum pod. In that community we'll get a monthly Zoom where we can just chat about how we're feeling and connect with other Send Mums. There'll also be resources from some of the guests that I have spoken to, to help you along the way. And also from our sponsor, the Supersensory Squad to help kids understand their sensory needs, their sensory preferences and emotional regulation. So have a lovely week and I will see you next time.