School Trauma and Creating Sensory Safe Spaces: Nicole Bateman chats with Hayley O'Connor

*Trigger Warning* In this episode 9 of "Conversations with a SEND Mum," host Nicole Bateman engages in a thought-provoking conversation with Hayley O'Connor, a neurodivergent Mum of three and co-owner of ZoneND. Together, they delve into the sensitive topics of school trauma, sensory processing, and the crucial importance of creating sensory-friendly environments. 

Episode Highlights:

• School Trauma: Hayley bravely shares her personal journey as a neurodivergent Mum and the challenges her son faced with school trauma. 
• Understanding Sensory Processing: Hayley provides insights into sensory processing differences and how they affect neurodivergent individuals. Nicole and Hayley explore the importance of recognising and accommodating these differences to create supportive environments for children to thrive.
• Creating Sensory-Friendly Environments: They discuss practical strategies and adaptations for making environments more sensory-friendly, both at home and in educational settings. 

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Check out our sponsor The Super Sensory Squad who support kids in understanding the eight sensory systems and emotional regulation using their penguin squad at: www.thesupersensorysquad.com and www.instagram.com/thesupersensorysquad

Transcript

0:00

Hello, welcome to conversations with ascend mom with me, Nicole Bateman as your host sponsored by the super sensory squad today. I'm here with Haley O'Connor and she is one of the co founders of zoned and also ascend mom herself. So Haley, welcome. Hello. Thank you very much, Nicole. That's all right. So can you, first of all, tell us a little bit about you and your connection to send please. Yep, sure. So I'm Hayley. I'm the co founder of Zoned. I'm neurodivergent. So I'm officially ADHD and my children are neurodivergent. So my son is autistic ADHD. My daughter's on the pathway. So we're all different spices. Love it. So how, you know, can you share any kind of wins, any challenges along your kind of parenting journey? Yeah. I mean, I think right from the beginning we were quite lucky with my son. So he was in a good nursery and we got an early diagnosis. I think he was like three years old. And we managed to get him into what we thought was a really good school at the time. And he had a really good first year. really settled in well and then the behavior started changing. He became sort of withdrawn, quiet, anxious. He was having upset tummies, wet in the bed, night terrors, all those sort of things that you get triggered as a mom and think, you know, something's not right here. And I think it was about six months after we noticed some sort of bruising around his arms and his legs. And we. kept monitoring it and they just got worse and worse and worse and there would be sort of bumps and incidents that would happen and it was just put down to him sort of being quite boisterous it was his ADHD, he was running around and then he started to really struggle wanting to attend school. So there would be, in the mornings he'd be hiding. When I'd take him into school, there was a reception area he'd be hiding. And, you know, for a mum, it's really hard when you know something's, something's off. And then it got to the point where we were really concerned because the bruises were happening consistently all the time. And we put multiple complaints into the school. And they were just putting it down to him sensory seeking, being unregulated. Or it was children with autism, lack spatial awareness. So it was all kind of, all the blame and the onus was being put on my son. And we weren't happy with that. And so we, we took it to the highest level of complaints and then what happened, we got social services knocking on our door and he said Do you know why I'm here? And I was like, well, yeah, let's put a complaint in against the school. And he was like, no, I'm in here to investigate you. What? Yeah, so, so we're looking at each other. I'm looking at my partner and I'm like, are you kidding? So the investigation took place. Obviously nothing was found. But that really ticked me off. It infuriated me. So that it was, it was practically war. We were at war with the school. And then he started having sort of More serious head injuries so it'd be big bumps on the head, and this was happening sort of on a weekly occurrence. And I think the last one was quite bad, it split his head from the top, and he was mildly concussed from it. So I lost it then, as many of them would. Understandably. Absolutely lost it. Told the school he would not be going in at all, ever again. I don't care if you get welfare around my house. I don't care if I go to prison. He is not safe in your care. So I then put a full investigation. I wanted a reassessment of need because what they were saying, what they were putting down on paper was not who my son was. They were saying, you know, that he, he wouldn't read, he wouldn't write, he wouldn't engage in education. And that's not what we were seeing at home. And. Everybody knows in the SEND world that if you apply for something, they're going to refuse. Yeah, yeah, I know that first hand as well. So, yeah, so they refused, we appealed, and at this, at the time we're going through a formal complaint with the school, so we're taking up every level, I think that the highest was three levels, and we were going all the way up then, we didn't care. And then we were appealing or we were fighting for a tribunal to get a reassessment of need. And we won the tribunal. Yeah. We got a full reassessment of need. We, I, I was homeschooling him in this whole period. So I think it was about 18 months. I was homeschooling him. And I think it was about six months in the education psychologist come around to assess him. And. She could not believe it. So she, she's obviously seen what's been on his EHCP before and then she's assessed him and she said it's like looking at a different child on paper. And I'm like, right? That's what I've been saying. Yeah, she believed you. So, you know, I think it was one point he. He was doing the problem solving sort of assessments and she, and he was like, I'm done. I'm done. Walked away. And I was like, yeah, I think I saw you're going to get out of him today. And she was like, I'm not surprised. Cause he was doing it for 14 and a half year olds. Wow. You know, so that there was the gaslighting throughout the whole time. It was like, no, this is the best place for him. I don't know what you're on about. He's completely fine. And you know, you have to trust your instincts. You have to, when something doesn't feel right, you have to challenge it. So we then put in for a particular place in our area, which was the best school. And we visited it and it was like a parallel bloody universe from what we've been used to. I cried because I just couldn't believe it. I was just like, this is perfect. And we put that down as where we wanted him to attend and typical local authority come back. Well, because he's doing so well in education, we could put him in mainstream. I'm like, okay, but no, it's not happening. I said, I think I actually threatened to sue them because I kind of, well, I said, let's just speculate that he goes into a mainstream school and he has one more incident and he gets hurt again, I'll sue you plain and simple. You know, he's gone through so much trauma already. He's still recovering from the trauma. You know, he, he, he had mental health issues as well, like, he was seven years old. Seven, yeah. Seven years old, and he has, and like, he didn't trust adults, he didn't trust children. We, we couldn't leave him, like, even going to the toilet on his own, we had to be down the bottom of the stairs because he didn't want to be on his own. Bless him. He was still recovering through that, so it was like, hell no. He is not, by any and all circumstances, and that might be great for some kids, but not for mine, not when he is going through this. So we managed to, after that conversation we did manage to get the placement we wanted. And, you know, it's, it's a year on now for him being in that place and he's a completely different kid. Like he, he's our beautiful little happy sunshine again, it's just, it's incredible, the difference. And that's because they took their time, they understood they nurtured him, they allowed him to regulate when he needed to. they gained his trust, you know, they, they treated him as a person, as a human being. So yeah, that was probably one of the most hardest things I've ever done in my life. But I think, you know, I'm not alone when I say this as a, as a Senman, that we will fight. Yes. Regardless of how burnt out, how, how sad, mad, whatever emotion you can think of, and the amount of times that you just want it to stop. We're not going to. No. We won't never stop and I just, it makes me feel angry and sad at the same time that we have to do this. This is the, the, the, the story, you know, everyone has a story where they've had to fight for something for their child and it's got to stop. Yeah, things, things need to change. Like that is, I mean, it's so happy that your son is where he is now and that you can, you know, I can hear that relief in your voice and, and just. Like, I was like, yeah, he's like that place for him is the right place for him. But the years of fighting, the years of trauma that he had to go through, you had to go through all of that. I, I am so with you on this. It's just, it, it makes me sad and mad too. And there are some parents, what makes me. Even more sad is that some parents are so burnt out because we were just talking about both of us and burnout and things like that. And, you know, I'm currently on the edge of burnout and I now can recognize it. And I need to kind of pull back from a few things, but I'm not pulling back from the fight for the HCP. That's still, that's still going on, but you know, some, some of us, sometimes we don't have that emotional capacity to be able to do that. And then. Then it's our kids and we shouldn't be in that position. We shouldn't have to fight all the time. And do you know what the worst thing is, Nicole? I think they rely on that. Yeah. I think they rely on the fact that we are burnt out and we're tired and we have no, nothing to give. Yeah. Or the fact that we just trust completely in the system. Yeah. You know, that naive, naivety of just going, well, yeah, of course, of course, you know best. Yeah. Professional. Yeah. But yeah, I think what was the, the latest figures for tribunal, I think it was like 97 percent go in the parents favour. Yeah. The amount of money they have wasted by going to tribunal just as a delay tactic. So much money. Thinking about how many children. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I, yeah, cause locally ours is going through wanting to do the safety valve and everything like that. And I know a lot of areas are going, you know, are in the safety valve. And, and so you see the statistics of how much money is wasted, you know, a hundred K per quarter, you know, on legal fees. Yeah, I mean, that's a whole new podcast. Yes. But well done, like well done for, you know, getting, getting the place that he, he can thrive, you know, and, and. And thinking about that, because you, you know, with Zoned, like you using your own experience, using, you know, different experiences. Tell us a bit more about that, because environment, we were discussing just a minute ago, the environment that you're in is so important, isn't it? So important. I mean, it's crucial. I think around, I think if I could give myself, you know, Hayley, eight years ago, advice. Or anyone that's just starting out, it would be understand sensory processing. Yeah. First and foremost, if you can understand that that is the key to regulation to understanding what makes us tick. What soothes us, what triggers us and if you think that most of our children are in an environment that is going to trigger it's the light and it's the sound, it's, it's the textures, it's the You know, all the different auditory stimulation and, and visual stimulation that you receive just from going into a school it's already putting them at burnout and I, you know, everybody has sensory processing. Everybody does. I think it's just enhanced. We're kind of our volume and our senses are turned up slightly more but everyone needs this. And I think if we can understand that the environment is. That's the main thing that needs to be fixed because if you don't feel safe in an environment, you're not going to want to engage in anything, not even a conversation, you know, it's like your internal systems going, we need to go, we need to go. And if you can't, especially in a school environment, I think we mentioned this earlier you know, kids have been told to sit still, don't move, don't talk, look at this, concentrate and their body just wants them to go. You know, so from passion and frustration, I think we created Zoned. Because I think one of the, the, the main sentences or phrases that sticks out to me was from Dr. Luke Bearden. And he says, it's the autism golden equation. So it's autism plus environment equals outcome. And that to me was just like, that's it. That's it. We've got to change the environment. You know, if you, if you accommodate for the senses and you calm every, you know, the inside of it in, in you, then you're more able to engage, learn. and you're going to be happy. Yeah. So that's basically what we do with zoned. We create psychologically safe spaces for places that are just too challenging to be in. So we're trying to make inclusion, the heartbeat of society. We want everyone to have a chance to experience things. So that's why we do what we do. You know, it's, it's because we, we understand what it feels like. I mean, the amount of times I've wanted to take my son places. And I've gone, no chance. They don't have that, they don't have that. We're, you know, we can't. We literally spend 20 minutes and go. There's no, there's no point. And I think that's, that's important for, for send families to understand. You've got to find your own rhythm. You've got to do what works for you. And not feel pressured by what society deems as a normal thing to do for a family. If you don't want to go to the place because it's going to cause too much stress, don't go. It's like soft play. Soft play. Oh my god, it's wonderful because of the proprioception and the vestibular. But the sound, boom chants. Oh yeah, and visually as well, it's very visually stimulating. So for some kids, you know, you're like, oh wow, it's a, it's that mix, isn't it? It's like, yes, really good for this, but not, not for this. So yeah. 100%, there's, you know, there's the high ceilings, bright lights. Yeah. I mean, you can tell, you can tell all the SEND parents that are actually neurodivergent themselves, because they're kind of sat there like, Yeah. It's overstimulation. Yeah. Yeah. And, and that's the thing, like we, you know, I'm very much on the same, same him sheet with you with that kind of understanding sensory processing since I, you know, started looking into it for my son and then connected with my, my business partner, Kate, who's an occupational therapist. And then I've learned even more from her over this last year. It's like, Oh yeah, wow, I do this because I'm trying to seek that or I'm trying to, you know, I, I love like, as soon as I get off, I mean, no one listening can actually see what I'm wearing, but if, if you follow Instagram conversations at the send mom, you'll see like little reels right now. But I would be wearing. As soon as I come off any interview or anything like that, I then put on my big fluffy hoodie because I love the fluffy textures. So does my daughter, my son. We love it. And that's, yeah, textures are definitely something that really help soothe me. So our sofas are actually covered in the big fluffy blankets. We're all kind of like I mean, even, even now I'm playing with a bit of blue tack because that is sort of grounding me through this conversation and this, you know, even people doing this with their hair. Or, you know, moving their pens like this, that's all sensory soothing. Yeah, absolutely. I love, I love it. And I just think, wow, if we could get every place to think like you are with Zoned and to think about, you know, what is the sensory impact of this environment, then life would be so much better for so many kids, adults, families. because then it's more, you're more mindful. Like when you go into a place, we were just saying, you know, we both just like look around and they're like, Ooh, okay, well that, that, that, that, you know, you kind of analyze and you risk assess for like, what's this, this environment, because. I, you've probably heard this quote multiple times, but you know it's like if a flower is not growing then you don't blame the flower for not growing. The environment in which it grows and that, that's really funny that you said that, so that's on our website. Oh is it? Oh there we go, I might have seen it there to be honest, maybe I saw it there. Yeah, it's a good quote. It's true, it's true, you know, and I think it's, as Human beings, we need a connection to nature as well. That's so important. And if you think about what's in nature, the colors, the textures, the smells, you know, all of those sorts of things. And we, we go to the polar opposite in a school, you know? Yeah, it's, it's the environment, I think is key for everybody. And I think as well, not just You know, send kids. It's, it's also good for mental health, anxiety, depression. The environment can, can change everything. Definitely. Definitely. So where, cause you know, where can people connect with you and find out more about zoned and things like that, because we need to get, you know, your work and everything like that to more events, workplaces, schools, hospitals. So we're, we're on Instagram, we're on Facebook, we're on LinkedIn. And you can just go to our website and get all of those. Okay, excellent. Just before we finish, any kind of encouragement that you want to share with any of the listeners as we end? Yeah, so I would say first and foremost, be kind to yourself. And like I said before, you've got to find your own rhythm. You're going to be on a long journey and You've, you've, you've got to become your own expert and advocate within that. And I think always go with your instincts and challenge everything that doesn't feel right. Excellent. But most importantly, I would say, you know, you're not alone. Yeah, definitely. There's so many people out there. I mean, even just listening to these different podcast episodes, you will see so many different stories, different experiences, et cetera, but there's a unifying thing of, yeah, actually we all have to fight to get our kids needs met and we are not alone in that fight because others have been there too, or are there right now in the thick of it. So. Yeah, you are definitely not alone. So, you know, you can connect, you know, with, with Haley, with other guests, with myself on Instagram, et cetera. You can have a look at the patron community link to this podcast as well. Conversations with the Send Mom pod. I want to we have zoom meetings once a month to just chat with other parents who get it because, you know, just like, yeah. I feel that like you're not by yourself. And so, yeah, have a, have a look at that. It's only 3. 50 a month and it's got different resources and everything like that as well that you can access from our sponsor, the Super Sensory Squad and other guests and other people that come on too. So definitely go and have a look at that because you're not alone. And there are others like us, like Hayley and myself and others who get it. And I've been there and are there. So thank you so much, Hayley, for joining me. Thank you so much. It's an absolute pleasure. Excellent. And remember that each Wednesday, a new episode drops. So there'll be a new episode next Wednesday. Have a lovely week and see you soon. Bye. Bye.