S2 E9: Parent Carer Mental Health: Nicole Bateman chats with Ana Bonasera

In this special episode of "Conversations with a SEND Mum," host Nicole Bateman sits down with Ana Bonasera to discuss the crucial topic of parent carer mental health. Ana shares her personal journey with mental health, the importance of sleep, and why having regulation strategies is vital for parent carers.

Episode Highlights:

• Ana's Mental Health Journey: Ana opens up about her personal experiences with mental health as a parent carer. She discusses the challenges she has faced, the moments of vulnerability, and the steps she has taken towards better mental health and self-care.
• The Importance of Sleep: Nicole and Ana delve into the significance of sleep for parent carers. They discuss how sleep deprivation can impact mental and physical health, and share tips and strategies for improving sleep quality and establishing a better sleep routine amidst the demands of caregiving.
• Regulation Strategies for Parent Carers: The conversation shifts to the importance of having regulation strategies to manage stress and maintain mental well-being. Ana shares practical techniques and practices that have helped her and how you can get involved in her parent/carer mental health summit. www.parentcarerconnect.com

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Check out our sponsor The Super Sensory Squad who support kids in understanding the eight sensory systems and emotional regulation using their penguin squad at: www.thesupersensorysquad.com and www.instagram.com/thesupersensorysquad

Transcript

0:00

And welcome to Conversations with an SEND Mum podcast with me as your host, Nicole Bateman. Today, we have a special focus on parent carer mental health. And I have Anna here to talk about something that's happening today. I'm so excited. Thanks for having me. That's okay. So first of all, can you just tell us a little bit about what your connection is to the SEND community, please? So, I am a mum of five children. And four of those are children who either have autism or are on the Pathway to trying to get a diagnosis for Autism and ADHD. And then I have a baby who's almost one as well. But, yeah, I've been on this crazy journey of being a parent carer for the past seven years now. My twins were diagnosed at three. Which seems like really early on now because I think a lot of people are obviously having to wait a lot longer. But yeah, it felt like we were waiting for a lifetime of some answers. And that's what I love about the internet now, and like this podcast and what autism is and what to look out for. Cause I literally had no clue. Like when my twins were having issues or like, that's what the health was, I saw it as like being really delayed. They were non verbal. I literally didn't have a clue that it could be that they were autistic. And it wasn't until literally we had, like, the assessment that they were like, Yeah, this is kind of like, where they are. This is an autism assessment. And I was just like, oh, oh, okay. I literally knew nothing about autism. But so yeah, that was like when kind of like I was thrown in at the deep end of I've having children with special needs and it was, not one, but two, two at once. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, you've got all of that personal lived experience that you've been through the roller coaster with many children as well. So yeah. So what, tell, tell us a little bit about what's happening today on, if you're listening to this on the day of Friday, the 24th tell us a little bit about the inspiration And the importance of talking about parent care and mental health. So five years ago my twins were going through a particularly challenging time where we'd gone from them not falling asleep and hurting each other. They had to share a room at the time. So they were hurting one another. They were health and safety risks. They were breaking things and destroying things. And it would took them forever to go to sleep. We tried literally every natural way of trying to produce the melatonin possible. And I was a bit wary about trying melatonin because I really didn't know much about it. But when the pediatrician really explained it to me I thought, well, it's been, it had been like a whole year basically of, of that struggle. So let's give it a go. And when we did, it was like magic, it was, I read the story, I sat in between, they were tucked up in bed, they like, started closing their eyes, like they were sleepy, it was like magic, and then, for maybe one or two, maybe three nights, it was crazy. Like, great, but then eventually started waking up earlier, so they'd be waking up at 5, then it'd be 4, then it'd be 3, then it'd be 2, then it'd be 1, and sometimes I wouldn't even go to bed, and they'd be up at 11pm at night. And I remember I went to see the Spice Girls on their, like, reunion tour, and my husband texted me on the way home, and the twins are up already. So I just felt like I, you know, had some time away, like, to do something for me, and then I was, like, being punished for it, because I knew I was going to be up all night then. And the sleep deprivation just absolutely killed me mentally, They say it's like a form of torture, isn't it? And I, I genuinely feel it. And when I look back, I look so ill. Like I look so thin and just, I can, the difference from like, we used to go to Centrepax every year before COVID and 2019 the pictures and then the beginning of 2020, cause it's January, we go. Literally my face. I look like I've aged just so much because of that year of like having a whole year of no ridiculously little sleep. And it was like most nights as well. Like I'm very lucky, well, not sort of lucky is the right word, but the boys, my three older boys are with my ex. So I did get a bit of respite when they would go to his for every other weekend. But I still then had a baby who. Was, it happened, you know, still had to be a mum. But I eventually reached out for help to the NHS, the doctors. It literally took me seven times to like stay on the phone. Cause when you're in the doctor's and it's like, you are 16, call her in the queue. Yeah. I like it took me seven attempts to stay on the phone and book an appointment. And when I got that appointment, I, I really struggled to put into words, like, how I was feeling and I had no idea what kind of help was available. And I was given a load of links and basically told to self refer to this team. And I was like, I've got to ring someone again. I've got to pick up the phone again. So I found a online form luckily, so I didn't have to speak on the phone and self referred through there. And after I'd had my initial assessment, they basically were like Can we come back to you? I'm gonna go away and talk to my colleagues and, and see, and then come back. And then it was, I remember it was November time, and the twins had just, my elves had had chickenpox, then the next week the twins had got the chickenpox, I was on the edge anyway. And they basically rang and said we can't offer you any help at this time because your low moods and anxieties are normal for your circumstances. And like that, like when you're down, that's like a massive kick. Yeah. It's like, okay, they're just, because they're normal, it doesn't mean that they're okay. And that's why I keep saying now and they then asked, they told me to then pick up the phone and talk to someone else from an autism charity in Oxfordshire. And I just hung up the phone and I just literally burst into tears and I couldn't speak. They tried to bring me back and I just couldn't speak to them because I just felt so like, What's the point of asking for help if they're gonna have to go and face, starting again and telling the story all over again when I don't like asking for help anyway. And the next day I had my worst, I think probably my worst day ever with my mental health, and I know I scared my husband, and afterwards I just thought, well, no one else is going to help me, so I need to try and do stuff for myself. And a lot of things have inflicted to me to be stronger. But I, you know, I'm lucky I've got a support network and I know a lot of people don't have that support network. So that is why I really want to raise awareness and do something because if the NHS doesn't know what to do with us as parent carers, then, who's going to be better at helping each other than us. And I actually did self refer myself. Two years ago to that autism charity, but the only offer they could actually help was a 45 pound call with a peer. And I was like, I could just talk to my friend for that, like for free, so yeah, and I have had hypnotherapy therapy actually, that's one of the things I definitely think has helped me mentally and cope with other things in my life as well. So I'm bringing together. A load of different guest speakers for what I have decided to call Parent Carer Mental Health Awareness Day, bit of a mouthful and we've literally got a pop up Facebook group with different people going live throughout the day. So you don't have to join live. You can just pop in and out. So if you're listening to this afterwards, you can come in and listen, it'd be brilliant to have you. We've got everything from my hypnotherapist coming to do a session, we've got different coaches and counsellors, sleep specialists we've got a lady come to do movement as medicine, which just sounds incredible, because I love dancing and it's all about shaking out the stress and stuff, which is, I definitely need. And yeah, I just, hopefully it's going to be a positive day. Where you can just take these little tools and little tips. I know it's not going to fix everything and it's a bit of a bandaid, but it's hopefully a stepping stone. Yeah. And I think that's, I think it's so important and amazing because the thing is, if we're reaching out for help and not actually getting it, then You know, getting a few tips and things like that for regulation for our own, helping our own nervous systems. Because for us as parent carers, I know like as well, our nervous systems are in that kind of fight, flight, freeze, fawn kind of state. So anything that can help us move out of that state, even for a moment, even when we're shaking off, when we're moving, etc. It's going to be helpful not only for us and our mental health, but also the mental health of our children and how we respond to them and that co regulation there. So yeah, it's, very needed. And it's, so sad. It makes me really cross. And I know it makes you, yeah, like that people get that, actually. It takes a lot to say that we need help to then have to retell the story to then go to all of these different places getting passed around, it's not good enough, is it? It's not good enough because people fall through the cracks. You fortunately, like you said, have that support network, but it was still really, really tough. And those that don't have the support network, what happens with them? Yeah, and I've heard of some, dire cases, a mum recently who literally she wasn't getting any help and I think actually the boy had epilepsy and it was so bad and she actually took her own life in the end and, can you imagine the place she must have been in mentally to be able to think, well, he'll be better off without me, like, or Yeah. Yeah. Makes me so upset for, everyone who, yeah, we just deserve better. Yeah, we do. All of us, if we can band together as parent carers ourselves and try and make a little bit of difference, the ripple effect. Is then going to be massive and huge. And that's what I love when you told me about this day. And then, conversations going forward, if we can all chat about things and you know, this is why this podcast is here too, just to chat about conversations, real life conversations to be like, it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to ask for help. It's not like the NHS saying it's normal. So we're not going to deal with it. Actually, no, we need to get help and we need to find strategies to help us because they can't just palm us off like it, like they did with yourself. So yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much for that. So how can people join? So if you head to parent carer connect. com should be all the details there. If you can't get through to it, cause tech is not my friend this way. Then you can look it up on Facebook or find me on Instagram and other channels. Excellent. And in show notes, if you're listening to this. On podcast, then I'll put the link below as well. So thank you so much coming on and chatting with me and yeah, definitely talk about your mental health, get support, join in with the amazing speakers that Anna's bringing together and know that you're not alone. We're here. You can, I'm sure, send messages to either of us in our DMs on Instagram, we've got conversations with a SEND Mum as well. We have episodes every Wednesday, so make sure you check next Wednesday. This is a special one on Friday but but every Wednesday you'll get that and do share with others that you think that this will help because together We can, you know, support each other. We can help each other with our mental health. So thank you so much. And I'll see you next week.